Boys, this one is for you. Can you find yourself? You know, like the time you did in Thailand…
p.s. Apologies for the labels. We’re terrible and judgmental people.
The Hopeless Wanderer
Since being shunned as the fifth member of Mumford and Sons, the Hopeless Wanderer is a lone wolf on the road. Never without his guitar, he’s a barefoot ball of long-haired heartbreak and tribal traveller jewelry (could be real, could be H&M). When he’s not smoldering into the middle distance or pretending to read Joyce, he’s massacring Jack Johnson on the beach. The Hopeless Wanderer can only play one song, but discovered long ago that this was quite enough to get him laid on every continent.
Natural habitat: India, Japan, Central America.
Most likely to say: Nothing. He’s an enigma. Plus, his scouse accent would ruin everything.
The Travelling Lumberjack
An average-looking man disguised by obscenely fashionable facial hair and giant over-ear headphones, the Travelling Lumberjack already looks like a born traveller. Just the right amount of hipster and asshole, he’s totally cleaning up on the backpacker scene. He makes every photo look like an album cover and wears the monotony of a backpacker capsule wardrobe well – already the proud owner of a wide range of identical white vests, checked flannel shirts and oversized baseball caps.
Natural habitat: Colombia, Bali, Melbourne, London.
Most likely to say: I’m going home next month to begin my start up
The Accidental Adventurer
The Accidental Adventurer never wanted to travel. In fact, he always thought people with rucksacks were morons. But then his girlfriend left him, or this thing happened with HR and a court order… whatever. Dave from the local pub was going travelling, so he decided to blow his car money and tag along. Other than the unacceptable length of his shorts and struggle to keep his trainers white and muscle tone up, he’s a natural. 24 hour beer and three continents to find a new missus? Screw you Stacey.
Natural habitat: Thailand, Australia, North America.
Most likely to say: Oi Oi! I just got ten knock-off Lacoste polo shirts for $20.
The “I quit my job” Backpacker
Having recently escaped the soul-destroying prison of a 5-9 city job, there’s no real way to identify this backpacker until you bravely strike up conversation. (There’s often a telltale deathlike office pallor, but equally it could just be a British person). Asking “What did you do before you came here?” you were perhaps expecting to hear “The Inca Trail”. Instead, you get an earful about why Barry from accounts was a total d*ck and why leaving was the best thing they’ve ever done. We agree, but now it’s time to let it go.
Natural habitat: Overland African safari vehicles
Most likely to say: No idea. Conveniently, we were napping
The Gap Year Backpacker
This specie of backpacker may be annoyingly youthful and fresh faced, but he’s no fool. Just the right combination of One Direction fringe flick and Gen-Y geek, it’s all apps, snapchats, skinny jeans, bungy jumps and effortlessly pulling blondes called Sophie or Emily. By virtue of choosing not to work, Gap Year backpackers are cool. Just be careful when you approach one to pay your respects. Learning that someone was born in 1998 is a terrible blow for ones self-esteem.
Natural habitat: South America, Southeast Asia, New Zealand.
Most likely to say: The Goonies? Sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about?